A leader’s desire to please others often feels like second nature. After all, being approachable, helpful, and accommodating builds relationships and fosters collaboration. All qualities essential to leadership. However, when taken too far, people-pleasing becomes a trap, draining your energy, compromising your priorities, and ultimately hindering your effectiveness.
I’ve lived this struggle. I know the discomfort of saying no, the guilt of disappointing someone, and the pressure to meet everyone’s expectations. But I’ve also learned that setting boundaries isn’t selfish – it’s strategic. Boundaries protect what matters most, ensuring you have the focus and capacity to lead effectively.
The Hidden Toll of People-Pleasing
At first glance, people-pleasing can seem like a positive trait. Leaders who go out of their way to prioritise the needs of others are often admired for being supportive, dependable, and team-oriented. But beneath this well-meaning behaviour lies a deeper struggle that can quietly take a toll on both the individual and the organisation.
When we constantly say yes to others, we often do so at the cost of our own goals and well-being. Over time, this pattern can create a cycle of overcommitment and overwhelm. It might lead to unhelpful behaviours, like working late to meet others’ demands, neglecting time for strategic thinking, or sacrificing self-care. While the intentions may be good, the long-term effects can include burnout, chronic stress, and a diminished ability to lead with clarity and confidence.
The impact doesn’t stop with the individual. At an organisational level, unchecked people-pleasing can lead to inefficiencies and misaligned priorities. Leaders who overcommit set a precedent, often creating a culture where saying yes to everything becomes the norm. This can leave teams struggling with unmanageable workloads and a reactive lack of focus, which is far removed from the proactivity, intentionality and purpose needed for effective leadership.
Understanding the hidden costs of people-pleasing isn’t about discouraging kindness or collaboration but finding a healthier balance. Setting boundaries and aligning commitments with priorities may FEEL unhelpful or uncomfortable, but may also enable you to show up for others in a better way for them, and without losing sight of yourself.
How to Stop People Pleasing with Boundaries
Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out; they’re about making space for what really matters. They help you define what’s okay and what isn’t when it comes to your time, energy, and focus. Setting boundaries is less about saying no to others and more about saying yes to yourself -your values, priorities, and goals. They’re the structure that helps you live and work intentionally so you can show up fully for the things that matter most.
For leaders, boundaries are more than just personal choices. They’re a way to lead effectively. They give you the breathing room to step back, see the bigger picture, and make decisions that truly make a difference. When you set healthy boundaries, you set an example for your team, showing them it’s okay to prioritise well-being and focus on what really counts. This creates a culture where everyone feels supported to work with intention and balance.
Boundaries aren’t just about protecting yourself. They’re about building a better environment for everyone. They break the exhausting, people-pleasing cycle, help you and your team stay clear-headed, and make space for everyone to do their best work. With boundaries, you’re not just thriving personally; you’re helping everyone around you thrive, too.
My Journey to Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries doesn’t come naturally to everyone, especially those of us who have spent years equating leadership with self-sacrifice. My own journey towards setting boundaries was initially uncomfortable. I wrestled with guilt and the fear of disappointing others. But with time and practice, I realised that boundaries aren’t about rejecting others. They’re about protecting what matters most.
One of the most valuable tools I discovered was the power of intentional decision-making. Before agreeing to a request, I began asking myself a simple but important question: If I say yes to this, what am I saying no to? This practice became a filter that helped me identify what truly deserved my attention and what could be declined or delegated.
Saying no didn’t always feel good at the moment, and it’s important to note I didn’t always say no! It’s about choosing the priorities and taking more care not to over-commit. And the long-term benefits were undeniable. Each time I chose to protect my time and energy, it gave me the space I needed to lead with more clarity and purpose. So those around me benefited more.
Overcoming the Discomfort of Saying No
A significant barrier to setting boundaries is the discomfort that comes with saying no. For many of us, the fear of letting someone down or appearing uncooperative can feel overwhelming. However, it is essential to view this discomfort not as a setback but as a necessary part of growth.
Saying no isn’t about rejecting others but prioritising what truly matters. Often, when we communicate our boundaries clearly and respectfully, we find that others are more understanding than we expect.. I once agonised over an email I was carefully crafting to say no to someone in the most helpful, diplomatic way. It took me ages. And when I finally hit send, I got an almost instant response to say – “hey! no problem, I have another option to sort this out”. She was genuinely not concerned. That was a real eye opener – sometimes people aren’t as ‘let down’ as we can lead ourselves to believe!
It’s also important to realise the true impact of saying yes all the time. When we constantly agree to requests without considering our limits, we risk overcommitting ourselves and spreading our energy too thin. This can lead to burnout, decreased productivity, and, ultimately, a decline in the quality of our work and relationships. By learning to say no when necessary, we protect our time and focus, ensuring we can give our best to what truly matters.
In many cases, sacrificing short-term popularity for long-term respect is key. While saying no may cause initial disappointment or discomfort (or as we’ve seen, sometimes it really doesn’t!), it helps to build credibility and respect over time. By explaining how your current priorities require your full attention, you show others that you are committed to delivering quality outcomes in the areas that matter most. This approach reinforces your boundaries and demonstrates that your decisions are driven by a clear sense of purpose and integrity. These are qualities that earn long-term respect, even if they aren’t always the easiest choice at that moment.
| Top Tip!: Use red-line questions to help clarify your boundaries. Ask yourself, “What am I not okay with?” When you say yes to a request, consider what you are saying no to at that moment. Are you sacrificing time for personal well-being, important work, or time with loved ones? By recognising these trade-offs, you can make more intentional decisions and ensure that you’re not overcommitting at the expense of what truly matters. These questions help you stay aligned with your priorities and set clearer, healthier boundaries. |
Being Assertive Does Not Equal Being Aggressive
One of the biggest misconceptions for people who struggle with people-pleasing is the belief that being assertive means being aggressive. This confusion often prevents individuals from setting clear boundaries, as we fear being perceived as rude, harsh, or uncaring.
Assertiveness is rooted in respect, both for yourself and for others. It’s about expressing your needs, priorities, and limits in a clear and confident manner without belittling or dismissing others. In contrast, aggression involves imposing your will on others in a way that disregards their feelings or needs.
For example, saying, “I can’t take on that task right now because I’m focused on another priority,” is assertive. It communicates your boundary while maintaining respect and professionalism. On the other hand, responding with hostility or dismissiveness would veer into aggression, which damages relationships rather than strengthening them.
People-pleasers often struggle with this distinction because we associate assertiveness with confrontation. However, setting boundaries isn’t about creating conflict; it’s about preventing resentment and ensuring mutual understanding. By learning to frame assertiveness as a form of self-respect and clarity, you can overcome the fear of being perceived as aggressive and start embracing healthier communication.
The Cultural Impact of Boundaries
Leadership sets the tone for organisational culture. When leaders model healthy boundary-setting, it creates a ripple effect that empowers others to do the same. Teams become more intentional with their time, meetings become more purposeful, and individuals feel more comfortable protecting their own well-being.
In my experience, one of the most effective ways to foster a culture of boundaries is to normalise conversations about priorities and capacity. Encouraging team members to evaluate whether a new initiative aligns with existing goals can help prevent overcommitment and ensure that everyone’s efforts are focused on where they will have the greatest impact.
Leaders also need to recognise that they can’t fix everyone else’s problems. Trying to take on too much, especially other people’s challenges, can lead to burnout and distract from what really matters. By encouraging individuals to solve their own problems and empowering them to set their own boundaries, leaders promote a culture of responsibility and self-sufficiency.
This cultural shift doesn’t happen overnight, but it is worth pursuing. When boundaries are respected at every level of an organisation, the result is a healthier, more focused, and more resilient workplace.
| Top Tip! Don’t waste time softening the NO!
When setting boundaries, it’s important not to spend excessive time softening the “no.” While it’s natural to want to be kind and considerate, over-explaining or apologising for saying no can undermine the strength of the boundary you’re setting. Instead, be clear, direct, and confident in your response. You don’t need to justify your decision or feel guilty about prioritising your needs. By being firm and respectful, you protect your time and energy and model healthy communication for others. Setting boundaries without over-explaining helps establish a culture where people feel comfortable respecting each other’s limits without unnecessary discomfort or hesitation. |
From People-Pleasing to Strategic Leadership
Breaking free from people-pleasing is about more than setting boundaries. It is about embracing a new mindset. Leadership is not about saying yes to everything; it is about making thoughtful choices that align with your vision and values.
This shift requires self-awareness and intentionality. It involves recognising the hidden costs of overcommitting and learning to prioritise with confidence. Most importantly, it is about understanding that true leadership is rooted in clarity, focus, and balance.
By setting boundaries, you free yourself to lead with purpose. You create the space to think strategically, act decisively, and focus on what matters most. In doing so, you not only enhance your own effectiveness but also inspire others to follow suit.
Final Thoughts
The journey from people-pleasing to strategic leadership is challenging but immensely rewarding. Boundaries form the foundation upon which great leadership is built. They protect your time and energy, clarify your priorities, and enable you to lead with intention and integrity.
As you reflect on your leadership journey, consider where people-pleasing might be holding you back. What would it look like to set clearer boundaries in your personal and professional life? How might that transform your ability to lead effectively?
Leadership isn’t about pleasing everyone. It is about making choices that align with your values and vision. So, the next time you feel compelled to say yes, take a moment to pause, reflect, and ask yourself: Is this the best use of my time and energy?
If the answer is no, give yourself permission to set a boundary. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but over time, you will discover the freedom and clarity that come with leading on your own terms.
Leadership Coaching with Gemma Bullivant
Leadership isn’t just about guiding a team or making decisions. It’s about having the clarity, confidence, and resilience to lead with purpose and impact. That’s where I come in. With years of experience working with leaders across different industries, I specialise in helping you uncover what’s holding you back and giving you the tools to step into your full potential.
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I understand the challenges leaders face, from managing competing priorities to overcoming people-pleasing habits. My coaching is designed to help you get clear on your goals, manage your time effectively, and lead in a way that reflects your strengths and values. Together, we’ll work to build the mindset and skills you need for sustainable growth, not just for you but also for your team and organisation.
If you’re ready to become a more confident, strategic leader and create a thriving, balanced workplace culture, I’d love to help you take the next step. Let’s work together to unlock your full potential.
If you’re looking for more insights and practical advice, tune in to The Strategic Leaders Podcast. It’s where I share actionable tips and real-world examples to help you confidently navigate the complexities of leadership.
